Everything Is Under Control

"He set the earth on it's foundations; it can never be moved." - Psalm 104:5

We all have our issues. One of mine? I always expect insults wrapped in compliments. Sometimes consciously, and sometimes I expect them unconsciously. I expect a critique, a correction, a problem needing to be fixed. Maybe that's why I never believe people when they compliment me. The Lord has been trying to make me believe it when other people say good things about me, and it's working for the most part. At least, with people outside of my own family.

The biggest obstacle I have to get past is the question I am constantly asking myself.

"What's wrong with this?"

I've asked myself this question as long as I can remember. At first it was just to avoid the critiques and corrections I had come to expect. If I asked myself what was wrong, then maybe I could fix the issue before someone else pointed it out. If I didn't fix it, and I was corrected, I felt like I had failed. I was a disappointment. Slowly but surely, as I grew older and experienced real rejection for the first time, this question transitioned from "what's wrong with this" to "whats wrong with me".

I couldn't figure out why people rejected me, but I assumed there must be something really wrong. Remember how I said that if I didn't figure out the problem, I expected someone else to point it out? Since then I've had this horrible fear that if someone gets to know me well enough, they'll finally see the issue that I couldn't. And then they'll leave me. Reject me. Abandon me.

I never talk about my struggles unless I've overcome them. I rarely tell people when I'm in them. Because I fear that any weakness I show could be the thing that makes them abandon me. I pretend to be strong, even when I'm not. I try to be strong to keep everything together. To keep people from abandoning me. To keep my world from falling apart.

Is it really that simple though? Does God really have it all under control? Little mistakes I make or weaknesses I allow others to know about- aren't going to cause the world to fall apart? That's a lot to absorb since my thought process has been the complete opposite.

He's got everything under control. I don't have to keep the world from falling apart. What a relief... (:

"He set the earth on it's foundations; it can never be moved..."