Dealing With Frustration.

This frustration has nothing to do with the number of math problems I got wrong on my last assignment. It has nothing to do with my overall grades.

This frustration has everything to do with how I stupid I feel right now. I feel so utterly incompetent, idiotic, and useless. I’ve never felt stupid before in my life. I’ve always been one of the smartest and best students that everyone came to when they needed help. But some of my classes right now, I just don’t understand. Sure, once someone walks me through the steps and shows me exactly how to do it—yeah maybe I can get it then. The problem is that I’ve come to the realization that my brain cannot process certain things as well as everyone else. With my math and physics? There are processes and steps that come to the minds of the people around me so naturally that it’s revolting to me. I have to work my ass off to understand those same problems, (and that’s assuming that I even understand them at all.)

I hate that. I hate having to accept help from other people on a regular basis. I can’t gloat and consider myself to be intellectually superior. I hate not being able to do that. Yeah I know, that’s a horribly rude and arrogant way of thinking, but it’s the truth. It’s ugly, but it’s the truth. I’m so full of myself that the thought of “not being able to do it all” cuts straight through me. And man, it hurts like hell.

I may not understand all of these problems and concepts, but I’ve sure learned one thing—I am not a humble person. Rather, I’m extremely arrogant and conceited.

God’s not pleased with it, and I can sense him working to put a stop to it this year. He’s not taking his usual gentle, sweet approach to correcting me. He’s beating me over the head with this until I get it. With this particular issue, it’s a very effective method, and I can clearly see where he is in all of this frustration. But man does it make me mad.

If I’m completely honest, I don’t feel that stupid. I just keep realizing that I can’t do it all. I am not so intelligent as to be able to excel at anything and everything academic. It’s embarrassing, heartbreaking, and humbling.

I may not be a humble person, but this year, I’m starting to learn how to be.

Another Great Week.

Its been a long week. A very long week.

I've been fighting off this cold/flu thing that everybody seems to be getting, doing several hours of Physics, Pre-Calculus, and dual-enrollment homework most days, getting 5 hours of sleep each night, and finally taking the ACT today. My brain is gone. Just gone. 

Okay. Sorry. That's all my complaining out of the way at the beginning of the post. It was an incredibly long week, but it was a great one! Tuesday and Thursday were perfect, and Friday wasn't all that bad. I was proud of myself for being able to just brush off a couple of spiteful jokes the other girls made about me. Normally several of the things they said would have crushed me. It still hurts, but now I'm able to brush off most of their obnoxious comments and say, "Well it's their loss!" 

One thing that still bothers me though is my intense fear of class presentations. My AP Language teacher announced to the class that we have a presentation due in two weeks, and I almost died. My heart started pounding, I felt sick, and my hands started shaking. I don't think anyone other than my friend--who was seating right next to me--noticed. Seriously though, I don't know if its gotten worse or something because I talk about it more, but I've never gotten that freaked out just hearing about an assignment. Oh God help me. 

Alright, sorry, I'm kind of complaining again aren't I? I'm just petrified. Kids in my class hear me say this kind of thing, then laugh and say, "Oh you'll be fine!" I'm like, "No, seriously... I think I might puke." Still, the friend that noticed in class the other day told me that I could definitely practice in front of her first. She was very sympathetic to my irrational fear. She's such an extrovert, and she loves class presentations, so for her to acknowledge how I felt about it was very sweet. 

Overall, it was a great week. A long, exhausting week... but a great one. 

What I'm Thankful For Today.

Today, I'm thankful for my friends. They are so forgiving and so loving even when I don't deserve it. (And I hardly ever deserve it.) They constantly surprise me by reminding me that they care about me and making a genuine effort to be apart of my life. They make me laugh till I cry, encourage me when I'm down, and put up with me when I'm angry. Every now and then I stop and think about how lucky I am. I should probably do that more often.

I'm So Grateful That This Song Is True.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains...

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
Cause one thing remains...

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

In death, In life, I’m confident and
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing that can
separate my heart from Your great love...

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me...