Not So Sure About Halloween

I've always loved trick-or-treating. I mean free candy! Who doesn't love it? But this year I'm feeling a little too old for that whole walking the neighborhood thing. Maybe I'll just hand out candy, or maybe I'll lock the door, hide, and scare some unfortunate children. Or maybe I'll just watch some Harry Potter.

One Day, I'll Be Me

One day, I'll climb that mountain, the one that's stood laughing at me for far too long. One day, I'll reach the summit, where I can smile down on my enemies. One day, I'll stand tall and shout so all the world can hear me. One day, when I make it to the top, I'll be remembered as the girl I tried so hard to be. One day, I'll climb that mountain... One day, I'll be me.

I'm Sorry, But Its Over.

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for allowing me to see all the friends of mine that are in relationships. Thanks for letting me see them talk about how amazing their boyfriend or girlfriend is. Thanks for making my home page just another place to see guys flirting with girls other than me. You getting all of that sarcasm? I really hope so.

You're so freaking annoying! I don't know why I even bother with you anymore. You give me one more pathetic reason to be jealous of my friends. I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. And you know what else, Facebook? I don't need all that extra social drama. I don't need to feel like I'm in constant competition with my classmates.

I'm sorry Facebook, but its over.

Number One Fear

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means that to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy." -Jerry Seinfeld

This is one of my absolute favorite quotes. I used it when I was writing a paper in the 8th grade. I cannot even begin to explain how petrified I was to have to get up in front of my English class (which consisted of all of 18 people) and read a short story.

That's basically how I feel when I get up to speak in front of any of my classes. My heart beats 100 times a second, my hands begin to shake uncontrollably, I lose my balance for no particular reason, and I can never seem to get enough air. I have a presentation tomorrow, it's a simple power point that takes roughly 3-5 minutes to present. It's not a major thing at all considering that the main part of the project was a paper I had to write, but I'm still nervous.

The thing is, the majority of the kids in my class probably won't even care or remember what I've said five minutes later. Even with that in mind, I still struggle to relax and remember how to speak, (and breathe), when everyone starts looking at me. But I'll be okay. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me :)

Something Like a Short Story

Here is a totally fictional, random short story... enjoy.

“Oh man, I’m late!”

Shoving past careless seniors and love-struck juniors, I made my way to Geometry. One more tardy, and I’d get detention. Sitting in a freezing cold room and starring up at the ceiling was not something I wanted to do for an entire hour.

I sidestepped and narrowly avoided yet another couple. Ducking, I escaped being taken out by a senior’s swinging backpack. I took a deep breath. Two more steps and I would be safe in Geometry class.

Suddenly, a sophomore cut in front of me, opening the door to room 215. I started to walk in after him but the door collided violently with my forehead. Stunned, I toppled backward. It was the laughter from inside the class that brought me back to reality… I flung open the door and made my way to my seat— head down.

Just as I slipped into my chair, the bell rang.

Well, at least I’m on time.

Something jabbed me in the side. “Audrey, wake up.”

 Opening my eyes I realized I’d dozed off again. Mr. Anthony was lecturing about how students shouldn’t be “loitering around” in his classroom—correction, his “kingdom.” Nothing had changed since I’d fallen asleep, except Trent had been moved to his official “seat of banishment;” the desk in the middle of the first row.

My friend Joy leaned toward me, “Trent was talking to Riley again.” She rolled her eyes sarcastically and smiled.

I giggled and accidentally glanced over at Michelle, who was seated in front of Joy. She glared at me. Without saying a word, the expression in her brown eyes made it clear what she thought of me. I looked over at Joy to see if she noticed, but she had already refocused her attention back on the math lesson. I turned to face the front, but noticed Michelle starring me down. Again.

Annoyed, I whispered, “What?!”

She rolled her eyes and hissed, “You’re such an idiot.”

I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. What had I ever done to her? As the new student, I was invisible. The kids in my class had made it clear that I was nothing. I was ugly. I was pathetic. I knew my place by now. Why did she have to keep reminding me?

“You’re such an idiot.”

Hot tears filled my eyes and threatened to pour down my face. I considered asking Mr. Anthony if I could use the restroom, but was afraid my voice would break. I kept my eyes on the blackboard, and for once in my life tried to focus on math. It didn’t help.

As soon as the bell rang I flung my backpack over my shoulder and pushed my way out the door.

“Audrey, you wanna walk with me to Bible class?”

I turned and saw sweet little May looking up at me. She was an outcast— like me— only she didn’t seem to realize it. She always had a smile on her face, but at the moment, her optimism made me sick.

“No thanks, May, I gotta go to the bathroom. I’ll meet you there.”

“Ok see ya!”

I walked down the hall— head down— toward the bathroom.

Bible class?

I laughed to myself. I didn’t think it was funny, but at the moment laughing seemed a whole lot better than vomiting in front of the senior’s lockers.

Bible class?

These kids weren’t Christians. During a spanish class, a boy offered to pay a girl to have sex with him. The conversations that took place in the hallways were disgusting. And I noticed when people were pointing and making fun of me during chapel. If these people were going to heaven, I’d rather end up in hell.

Bible class?

I knew these people didn’t care about God; He was just a cover for them. They used Christianity as a way to do whatever they wanted, yet not get in trouble. They thought they could say whatever they wanted to say, do whatever they wanted to do, and then turn around and still “praise the Lord”. But then again, I’d lived the “perfect” Christian life, and God had forgotten about me. What if they were right?

“You’re such an idiot.”

My mind replayed the words without my permission. At that point I could no longer stop the tears from coming. Storming into the girl’s bathroom, I locked myself in a stall. Then I didn’t hold back. The tears came slowly at first, then in rapid, agonizing bursts.

“You’re such an idiot.”

I felt sick. I spun around and faced the toilet. After an entire five minutes, the tears still didn’t stop. I tried to think of other things, of reasons why she could have said what she did. Nothing seemed to help. I prayed, but it was an empty, half-hearted prayer. God felt like he was a million miles away. Shaking uncontrollably, I closed my eyes, only to see the faces of the girls I’d passed in the hallway.

Their looks ripped me apart. One cold look said, “You don’t belong here,” another said, “You’re worthless.” The disgusted faces of guys I’d spoken to haunted me even more. A pained expression and rolling eyes told me just how ugly they thought I was. How could I look in the mirror and think for even one second that I was pretty? That I was worth being loved?

“You’re such an idiot.”

After another five minutes, I managed to regain control of myself. I emerged from the stall and wiped off what was left of my make-up.

Then I headed to Bible class to hear my teacher talk about “how much God loves us.” 

Learning to Breathe Again

You know that feeling when you're swimming in the ocean and you go out just a bit too far? The waves are suddenly just a little too tall to avoid, and the water is just a little too deep to stand in. You're not drowning, you're not suffocating, you're not dying... but you can't quite catch your breath. Any normal person would back-peddle until they could stand.

But you can't do that when you've got friends, (all of them taller than you), saying, "Come on out farther! You'll be able to stand out here, it's more shallow." Backing up would make you look weak or afraid, when in reality you're just hoping to catch your breath. So do I do that, or do I dive in farther and keep swimming towards that invisible sand bar? Does it even exist?

It's been my tendency to turn around and run when I'm struggling. I shrink back and hide in hopes that the next big wave doesn't knock me down. Maybe I need to do what I've never done before. Swim further out even when I feel like I'm struggling for air. And then hopefully soon, I'll remember how to breathe again.

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"Therefore strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled but rather healed." Hebrews 12:12-13

But, Are You Impressed?

This question crosses my mind every time I'm given a challenge, a project, an assignment, and I do it well. It can be in school, at home, with family, or even with friends. Strangely enough, I even think this when people compliment me. I try to impress the people around me, as if that will somehow make them like me more.

I'm so disappointed in who I used to be before I entered high school, maybe thats why I try so desperately to be the best. All. The. Time. But guess what? It's exhausting, and I always end up feeling like a failure...

Yesterday I was at a girl's Bible study and we were discussing the Love Languages. My top two are, 'words of affirmation' and 'acts of service.' I almost broke down and cried while we were all talking, but I bit my lip and stopped myself, because that wouldn't be too 'impressive' now would it? 

I have some amazing people in my life, but is that really what I want from them? Someone to tell me I'm doing a good job? And someone to act on it and actually treat me like I matter to them and want to be apart of my life? Someone who won't point out all my errors first thing, but will point out that I've done something worthwhile. Specifically an older teen or an adult, someone who doesn't really need to be involved in my life, but still wants to?

I work so hard to impress people. To impress my parents, my friends, and even my teachers, because I figure that if I work hard enough, I'll somehow earn those few words of praise. Those few specific compliments. And maybe, just maybe, someone will be impressed enough to really want me around. But it doesn't work like that. In fact, I think I end up doing the exact opposite of what I intended to do. I come across timid, sarcastic, and serious. I can't tell you how many times I've been alone in my room and completely broken down because of it. I kill myself to get good grades, to live up to people's expectations, and to be a good person, only to have people see me the entirely wrong way. I always end up failing. 

And honestly, I don't know what to do about it.