Happiness.

This week, 3 things happened that have totally ruined any hopes of productivity for this weekend.

One- I bought Les Misérables for myself, (which means I don't have to keep the one that is now practically stolen from my library.)

Two- I got all the licensing and purchasing drama cleared up for Lightroom. (A fantastic photo editing program, for those of you who don't know.) It is now working on my computer for the first time since last year.

Three- My aunt just gave me a white denim jacket she no longer wears... I've only been searching for one just like it for my ENTIRE LIFE. This will lead to more shopping, because I clearly need an outfit to go with it. duh.



And I was hoping to have a productive weekend where I finished all of my late work, cleaned my room, and bought Christmas presents for family... HA.

Oh well!

Dreams.

A little short story I guess...


If anyone had been present, they would have seen her in that empty bedroom, with the dull, faded light coming in from the window. It outlined her small figure curled up on the bed directly beneath it. Blonde hair fell down her back till it just barely touched the blanket, and her knees were tucked up underneath her chin. The light from the window, that soft, gloomy light that always seems to accompany a storm, was focused solely on her eyes. They sparkled and shone with fresh tears.

“Maybe I dream too much,” she whispered. Her eyes wandered across the world outside the window; to trees, to lawns, to the garden. Her flowers, her precious sunflowers.  “I’ve always dreamed a little too big, a little too far, and a little too much.”

She pressed her nose up against the glass, it was cold from the rain. Her blue eyes closed—she breathed deeply. That persistent ache inside her chest would not leave. It wasn’t sharp, not a surprise. It was dull, continuous—it was expected. Didn’t they always leave her feeling like this?

The disappointment clung to her. She shivered. It gripped her fragile heart and refused to release it. The tears flowed down her cheeks again, silently begging her to move on. Let go. Forgive and forget, just one more time. The more the tears came, the tighter the pain clung to her. She wanted to scream out in agony, to curse them for this. She stopped herself. How could she? Even she could not pretend that they knew any better.

“But they should know better,” she hissed through clenched teeth, “They should know how I’ve felt for all these years. They should care.”

They did care. But this was how they had always been with her—distant, forgetful, and hurried. What was it about her that had always scared them away?

Perhaps it was her dreams that scared them; those poor souls fettered down with petty disputes and countless worries. Because that was who she was, a dreamer. A thinker. A world changer. Is that what had always kept them from listening? From understanding? From staying? They would never stay. If she was not suffering, if by some stroke of bad luck she wanted to talk about dreams, she was not worth their time.

Some people are made up of their struggles, but she was not. She was made up of her dreams, her deepest thoughts, her passions, and her endeavors. They did not have time for childish things like that, so they did not know her. Perhaps that was what cut deepest of all. Maybe they cared, she admitted to herself that many times they did try, but it made no difference. For as long as she could remember, they had not known her.

Again she thought, “Maybe I dream too much.”

Something Admirable.

This week I started a little photography business with a close friend of mine. It's a school project to start our own small business and run it for several weeks. I'm very excited about it, and that fact alone makes me a little nervous...

Although I'm an introvert, and not too outgoing, in group projects where I have lots of ideas, I tend to take control. Not in a mean, bossy way, but I'm the kind of person who likes to get stuff done and has no problem delegating tasks to others to make sure that that happens. So no, I am not necessarily bossy, but I do have a tendency to just run right over others during projects if they do not meet with my standards of efficiency.

The friend I am working with on this project is extremely talented, creative, and outgoing. However, she is more of a "go with the flow" person. So although she is a hardworker and will do a fabulous job on whatever school project she's working on, things usually don't move at the pace and in the direction that I naturally want them to. I'm trying to stop myself from taking charge and allowing myself to pay attention to the amazing ideas and contributions my friend has to bring to the project. It's just something, in general, that I need to work on.

Anyways, that's what's happening right now, and its got me thinking. Weird as it is, I admire it when people stand up to me. Not in a rude, make-me-look-bad sort of way, but rather just saying, "No, I disagree," and then standing by their opinion. I am so used to others just submitting with a meek little "Oh okay..." when I present my own ideas, (maybe a bit forcefully at times, I'll admit.) I notice their hesitation and encourage them to make differing suggestions, but usually they back off immediately. And when they do have a suggestion, they'll say whatever it is, then add, "If thats okay..." I know to other people that's just them trying to be polite, but to me, in my mind, it's them asking for permission to have an opinion. That's just crazy to me, so I never quite know how to react. So many people I've worked with have done that, and I'm not sure if it's just how they act, or how I'm acting, or a combination of the two.

Needless to say, it's so refreshing for me when I say what I think and someone else says, "I disagree and here's why..." Sometimes it does hurt my feelings, and sometimes it just plain pisses me off--but I still admire it. I feel like it shows that they're strong. Maybe I admire it because I would do the same, and because my strength and resoluteness in my own opinions is something that I like about myself.

I'm not entirely sure why I like that stubborn strength in others, but I do. To me, it's something admirable.

Inspired.

Yesterday, I gave the speech written out in the last post. Today, several people came up to me to tell me how amazing it was. They all said, "That was awesome! I was almost in tears!" I'm not saying that to brag, because I was quite literally stunned by their overwhelming reaction to it. 

But then this one guy came up to me and said something that stood out to me. (Keep in mind that he's one of the most popular guys in my grade, and probably in my whole high school.)

He walked up to me and told me that what I had said really inspired him. 

It inspired him. My words inspired someone.

He doesn't know this, and probably never will... but that is the greatest compliment that I have ever received. 

Your Voice.

Have you ever heard life compared to a story? And you’re actions compared to words? Do you know that each person is writing their own story and it’s told in their own voice?

            You’re voice is not just made up of the words you say. It’s who you are. To the very depths of your soul—your passions, your dreams, your hopes, and your fears. It’s this voice that tells your story, and it’s this voice that speaks into the lives of other people. I’m here to ask that you make sure it’s worth listening to.

            Some people don’t know what their voice sounds like; some have forgotten. Some people have been through things that others can’t even comprehend. And sometimes that makes their voice a bit weaker. It’s not as loud or as well known as others and their voice gets lost in the crowd. People like this need others to strengthen them, to protect them, and to love them. All of us have the choice to either add to the deafening chaos of the crowd, or to stand by the ones who can’t speak for themselves.

            I’m not here to accuse anyone of acting one way or the other; I’m only here to remind you of the choice. It’s devastating to lose your own voice, to forget who you are. I have seen so many people who suffer through this. I watch as the voices of the people around them, put them down, laugh at them, and then forget them. They’ve been through too much to fight back. They have no voice.

            It’s paralyzing to feel like you’ll never be able to speak. Like your voice will never matter. And although I’m just as guilty as the next person, it breaks my heart to watch as people I pass in the hallway, throw out words like they have no meaning. Our voices matter—more than we will ever know. Careless words can do just as much damage as a stray bullet. If we make the mistake of thinking that there are no consequences for our harsh words, mean glances, and jokes at the expense of others, than we need to wake up.

            You won’t see the tears, and you won’t see the pain. But it’s there. I guarantee it. You’re voice can break someone more easily than anything else. But if you choose to be different—your voice can strengthen them, it can protect them, and it can remind them how to speak.

            I knew a girl once who didn’t know how to speak, only because she had forgotten that she had a voice. And it took a long time, filled with voices that tore her down, and voices that built her back up, for her to remember. For her to realize that she did have a voice; that she mattered.

            And that’s really what I want, for people like her, who feel like they’re worthless, to remember that they have a voice, and that that voice matters. You may not always know who these people are. You might know some, but you certainly don’t know all. We can’t always see what someone’s holding back, what someone might be hiding. You don’t know everyone’s story.  How well do you even know your own?

            As you go through your days, try to be different. You have a voice. It’s what you say, but even more than that, it’s who you are. You can speak into the lives of other people, and break them down. You can make them forget that they matter, just so your voice becomes a little bit louder. Or you can choose to strengthen them, to protect them, to cancel out the lies they’ve heard. You can remind them how to speak.

            Your voice speaks into the lives of those around you, so please make sure it’s worth listening to.

           

Take a Deep Breath.

Have you ever had those days where you feel like the fate of the entire world is dependent upon whether or not you "succeed" at whatever you are doing? That's how I feel right now... As if the amount of my homework, chores, and attempts at a social life actually had any real significance in the grand scheme of things. 

I don't understand my Pre-Calculus homework: "The world is ending..." 

My brain is refusing to except or comprehend anything related to Physics: "Community college here I come..." 

Plans with friends don't work out once: "Well, goodbye social life forever!"

Ridiculous right?

Well, it's nice to know that my little, imagined failures today won't impact the rest of my life. It's so relieving to remember that I don't have to hold the whole world together. 

God's it under control.

Dealing With Frustration.

This frustration has nothing to do with the number of math problems I got wrong on my last assignment. It has nothing to do with my overall grades.

This frustration has everything to do with how I stupid I feel right now. I feel so utterly incompetent, idiotic, and useless. I’ve never felt stupid before in my life. I’ve always been one of the smartest and best students that everyone came to when they needed help. But some of my classes right now, I just don’t understand. Sure, once someone walks me through the steps and shows me exactly how to do it—yeah maybe I can get it then. The problem is that I’ve come to the realization that my brain cannot process certain things as well as everyone else. With my math and physics? There are processes and steps that come to the minds of the people around me so naturally that it’s revolting to me. I have to work my ass off to understand those same problems, (and that’s assuming that I even understand them at all.)

I hate that. I hate having to accept help from other people on a regular basis. I can’t gloat and consider myself to be intellectually superior. I hate not being able to do that. Yeah I know, that’s a horribly rude and arrogant way of thinking, but it’s the truth. It’s ugly, but it’s the truth. I’m so full of myself that the thought of “not being able to do it all” cuts straight through me. And man, it hurts like hell.

I may not understand all of these problems and concepts, but I’ve sure learned one thing—I am not a humble person. Rather, I’m extremely arrogant and conceited.

God’s not pleased with it, and I can sense him working to put a stop to it this year. He’s not taking his usual gentle, sweet approach to correcting me. He’s beating me over the head with this until I get it. With this particular issue, it’s a very effective method, and I can clearly see where he is in all of this frustration. But man does it make me mad.

If I’m completely honest, I don’t feel that stupid. I just keep realizing that I can’t do it all. I am not so intelligent as to be able to excel at anything and everything academic. It’s embarrassing, heartbreaking, and humbling.

I may not be a humble person, but this year, I’m starting to learn how to be.

Another Great Week.

Its been a long week. A very long week.

I've been fighting off this cold/flu thing that everybody seems to be getting, doing several hours of Physics, Pre-Calculus, and dual-enrollment homework most days, getting 5 hours of sleep each night, and finally taking the ACT today. My brain is gone. Just gone. 

Okay. Sorry. That's all my complaining out of the way at the beginning of the post. It was an incredibly long week, but it was a great one! Tuesday and Thursday were perfect, and Friday wasn't all that bad. I was proud of myself for being able to just brush off a couple of spiteful jokes the other girls made about me. Normally several of the things they said would have crushed me. It still hurts, but now I'm able to brush off most of their obnoxious comments and say, "Well it's their loss!" 

One thing that still bothers me though is my intense fear of class presentations. My AP Language teacher announced to the class that we have a presentation due in two weeks, and I almost died. My heart started pounding, I felt sick, and my hands started shaking. I don't think anyone other than my friend--who was seating right next to me--noticed. Seriously though, I don't know if its gotten worse or something because I talk about it more, but I've never gotten that freaked out just hearing about an assignment. Oh God help me. 

Alright, sorry, I'm kind of complaining again aren't I? I'm just petrified. Kids in my class hear me say this kind of thing, then laugh and say, "Oh you'll be fine!" I'm like, "No, seriously... I think I might puke." Still, the friend that noticed in class the other day told me that I could definitely practice in front of her first. She was very sympathetic to my irrational fear. She's such an extrovert, and she loves class presentations, so for her to acknowledge how I felt about it was very sweet. 

Overall, it was a great week. A long, exhausting week... but a great one. 

What I'm Thankful For Today.

Today, I'm thankful for my friends. They are so forgiving and so loving even when I don't deserve it. (And I hardly ever deserve it.) They constantly surprise me by reminding me that they care about me and making a genuine effort to be apart of my life. They make me laugh till I cry, encourage me when I'm down, and put up with me when I'm angry. Every now and then I stop and think about how lucky I am. I should probably do that more often.

I'm So Grateful That This Song Is True.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains...

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
Cause one thing remains...

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

In death, In life, I’m confident and
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing that can
separate my heart from Your great love...

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me,

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me...

Ups and Downs. Yeah, It's Called Life... and Being in High School.

I had a terrible day on Friday. I was feeling crappy about myself. I kept comparing myself to the other girls, (the "perfect" girls), and I felt like a total outsider. Pretty much all of it was in my head, but that didn't really matter because by 6th period it was all I could do to hold myself together. Analyzing songs and then talking about them was kind of an afterthought.

However, my Saturday was amazing. I got so many random compliments from several friends and adults that I look up to. And then on Sunday my pastor talked about how our inadequacies do not disqualify us from doing big things for God. It was all in all a fantastic weekend. Monday included.

Today I had a great time talking and laughing with my friends from first period to sixth period. (Oh yeah and of course that whole thing called learning. You know, the reason I go to school?) AND to top it all off, I am going to tell you why I am so incredibly proud of myself right now!

I was doing my Physics homework and here is the problem given to us at the end of our reading section:

"A motorcycle ride consists of two segments. During the first segment, the motorcycle starts from rest, has an acceleration of +2.6m/seconds squared and a displacement of +120m. Immediately after the first segment, the motorcycle enters the second segment and begins slowing down with an acceleration of -1.5 m/second squared until its velocity is +12 m/s. What is the displacement of the motorcycle during the second segment?"

Basically? How far did it go from point A to point B.

Yup.

Anyways, they write the whole thing out for you and explain it, but I'm incredibly proud of myself because I solved it on my own. I only used their solution to compare notes.

A weird thing about me and difficult homework problems-- I talk to my textbook the whole time. So if you were standing outside of my bedroom door while I was writing this you might have heard...

"Why the heck did you use that formula first?!"

"Oh I see! Way to make it even more confusing!!"

"Idiot!"

But after all of that... the answer? +160m, baby!

I was so proud of myself for solving the whole thing, I brought my dad in to show him. He told me I could be bringing space shuttles back from outer space, "We've got you in the control room! We're gonna be fine!"

Said no one ever. lol

Revelation.

We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that ease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
Till someone find us really out

'Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.

But so with all, from babes that play
At hide-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are.

~ Robert Frost

Oh Hello Junior Year.

Since I've totally exhausted my parents by talking non-stop about my first day of school and I'm pretty much out of breath, I'll tell you guys how it went.

Awesome.

Yup, that basically sums up my first day as a junior. It didn't start out that way though...

My first class of the day is Physics. I literally could not breath when I walked into class I was so nervous. It's the one class where there's just no hope for me-- I'm going to end up looking like an idiot at some point. My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding... why? Because I didn't know the answers to any of the questions my teacher was asking, and I was terrified that he might call on me to answer. Before you judge me for being that scared about something so common, please keep in mind that just four years ago, I would go entire days without speaking. I've come a long way since then. 

The real proof of that is that half way through my Physics class I realized that I had to do something. So I had a little conversation in my head and told myself, "Look. You're going to look like an idiot sometime in this class this year, if not on a regular basis. Calm down, breathe, you're okay." And I'm not sure if it was my little pep talk or the fact that I understood when my teacher started talking about trig, but either way, I calmed down after that. 

By Pre-Calculus I was feeling much much better. My teacher is amazing, (you know it's awesome to have a math teacher who actually knows more than I do...), she's an excellent teacher and she really knows what she's talking about. 

After those two classes, my day is an absolute breeze. I'm in Yearbook this year, which is very exciting. I'll be honest though, I'm a bit intimidated by my fellow classmates in yearbook. I'm not so nervous anymore, but around talkative people I tend to shut up and just listen. There's only two other kids in my class period, but they both talk a lot. haha And there's nothing wrong with that! One of them is one of my absolute best friends (: It's just a bit intimidating being, well, being me next to them. But I'm looking forward to it. Maybe I can surprise some people. 

Then my next two classes are just a Bible class and a study hall, which basically means I don't have to think for two entire class periods. Nice. 

My last class of the day is AP Language, which is both exciting and extremely intimidating. All of my friends have me labeled as the English genius-- but I'm not. 

I'm not a genius at all. 

I'm not the best writer in my class. I'm terrible when it comes to interpreting the meanings of poems or stories. And I don't know the most about various books that all "bookish" people have read.

I'm not the best at anything in my English classes... I just love it the most.

It's my passion. So honestly I don't care how much I screw up, or how much I have to correct myself, just as long as I get to learn from it. That's really all I want... to get better and better and better. But my friends still refer to me as the "genius" and although it's a nice compliment, I can't live up to it on a regular basis. In fact, I'm really quiet in my English classes. I don't contribute a lot to discussions even when I have my own opinion (I always have an opinion) because I don't want to risk looking like an idiot. Even with my own friends, if they ask me how I got a certain answer, I'll tell them and then say, "But I'm not positive!" Even though I am. 

That way if I mess up, if I make a mistake, or if I end up looking clueless, I have an excuse. I think that's something God is going to work on with me this year. I'm not especially looking forward to it.

So anyway, that's basically my day. (And that's not even all I have to say about it.) If you managed to hang in there and read this whole thing then thank you. I appreciate it. 

I'm really looking forward to this year. 

Watson's A Girl?

I went to see the Odd Life of Timothy Green, and it was adorable! Unfortunately, I had to endure one of CBS's most heartbreaking ads. They announced a... wait for it... "modern twist on Sherlock Holmes! In New York City!!"

Aside from the horrible fact that Sherlock is in New York instead of England... my heart is broken for three other reasons.


First, the actor who plays Sherlock is not Benedict Cumberbatch.

Second, he is not Benedict Cumberbatch.

And third, he is NOT Benedict Cumberbatch.


Oh yeah, and Watson is somehow a girl named Joan? And nobody has British accents.

CBS... you disgust me.

Junior Year.

After today's student orientation, I'm so excited for this upcoming year. I'm not nervous anymore. I love the kids I have in my classes and it's fun to get to meet the new kids. The freshmen pretty much outnumber all of the other classes though. I was walking down the hall today and barely recognized anyone. And they're all so little! My friend just kept looking around saying, "There's babies everywhere!!!"

Haha but seriously, I'm looking forward to the change. I can barely contain my excitement about it all!

It's gonna be a great year. (:

High School Student Orientation.

Ah, yes, the long awaited, bittersweet day known officially as High School Student Orientation Day. It's bittersweet because everyone loves and hates orientation. We get to see our friends, visit our classes, and meet new students without having to actually do anything- but it's also the undeniable sign that school is starting once again.

I know I always have this dream, this amazing dream, every summer- this wonderful, fantastic idea that maybe school just won't start...

Maybe it's over for good.

Maybe everyone will just forget to come on the first day of school. Then the second... and then the third...

But every year, my hopes are crushed by this one day. High School Student Orientation.

Oh well...

At least I'll be one of the upperclassmen this year! That's comforting (:

Hey, look, I still have friends.

One particular teacher of my mine said that I need to get rid of all of my friends, because I only blog when I have no friends.

But look at this! I'm blogging.... and I still have friends.... what???

This upcoming school year I will try to be more diligent and write more often- not just when there's a social crisis at school. So long as that teacher promises not to randomly ask about it in class, which leads to me having to explain to people (the same ones I write about!) that I have a blog. It's very awkward.

So, deal? (:

Back to school and all of that nonsense.

My summer is officially over in one week. It's depressing, considering I had been looking forward to this particular summer for a very, very long time. I always thought that the first summer I had my license would be one of the best of my life. This proved to be true. The summer of 2012 has been my favorite so far. (:

Although I'm excited to take on the academic challenges of junior year, I'm dreading reentering the high school social scene. Over the summer I get to pick and choose who I hang out with and who I avoid. I haven't really been avoiding anyone in particular, but I'm not especially eager to see everyone every day again. 

Things I'm dreading about going back to school:

- the dances

- the painfully shallow conversations

- the drama

- the crazy amounts of homework

- the majority of the freshmen class

- the pressure to get really good grades because it's my junior year

- the class presentations (I always shake so much I can hardly stand and I'm almost always on the verge of being sick.)

I guess it's only fair to write what I'm looking forward to as well.

- new friends (we have some new kids in our class)

- hanging out with old/new friends (friends I've made over the summer and last year)

- participating in NHS

- going to basketball and football games

- being in two classes taught by my favorite teacher

- taking on the harder classes

- dual enrolling and getting college credit

- being in yearbook

- the high school retreat

- chapel every Friday

- going back to school with a new attitude and fewer insecurities 

- being one of the upperclassmen 

- being one year away from being a senior 

- moving campuses and getting a locker for once

- getting to know the few freshmen that aren't annoying (;

So I guess I'm looking forward to a lot more than I'm dreading. I just need to take a deep breath, and trust that God has it all under control. He isn't going to send me back unprepared. I feel different, and I just know that this year is going to be different for me somehow. That isn't going to change just because it's something I want to happen. That's not how God works. 

And I still have one week. I think I'll spend most of it praying about next year. Praying that it's different.

Adventure.

Don’t ever be afraid of an adventure. Be wise, certainly, but don’t turn up your nose at hard work or a little bit of pain. Those are clear indicators that you are headed for an adventure. If it were all fun, laughter, and love, then books would never sell. Every story needs a few scary twists and turns that build the protagonist’s character. Without those cuts and bruises, and occasionally tears, the reader would not be brought to their knees at the ending. There would be no cheering. No outbursts of laughter. No joyful tears. It would just simply be, “The End.” But as all readers know, the end of a good story leaves you with something unforgettable. Whether it is good, bad, or ugly, you are left with a piece of an adventure you would have never had otherwise.

            So don’t be afraid of what others will say when you wear your heart on your sleeve, say what you really truly mean, and fight till you can’t even stand. Those are all the signs of someone on a grand adventure. Don’t be afraid of the villains, every good story needs them. You will end your story with some wounds, scars, and plenty of broken hearts. But you’ll gain a passion, strength, and respect that you couldn’t have had without some struggle.

            Leave the ones reading your story with more than “The End.” Live so adventurously that they are left with something when they turn the final page. When you encounter a challenge, face it head on. When you feel pain, keep your head held high. When you hear them whisper about you, know that that’s how people always talk about even the greatest of heroes.

            Don’t ever be afraid of an adventure.

            

Well, It's Official.

In our history class we were assigned to read a book called the Balkan Ghosts a couple months ago. Some people read the first few pages and gave up. Some people read the first few chapters and gave up. Or, one person read the entire book.

And you know what the sad part of this is? They actually enjoyed the book. Sure it was a difficult read, but they thought it was very interesting.

That person? Yours truly.

And I'm not writing this because I'm incredibly proud of myself. In fact, I pretty embarrassed to be the English/History nerd kid who enjoyed reading the "super long, boring, and difficult book."

So yeah, it's official. I'm a nerd.

I mean, like, in case we needed any more clarification on that.

See! I'm Creative!

My lovely creation! (:

A friend of mine posted something like this on facebook after she found it on pinterest.  I thought it looked really cool. It's also extremely easy to do! And really cheap. I already had crayons, super glue, and a blow dryer at my house and the canvas only cost $3. (And surprisingly, it's not that messy at all.)

Just get a box of Crayola crayons (they melt easily) and pick out the color order you want. Mine didn't quite reach across the whole canvas... I had to use an old box of crayons and didn't have enough matching colors.

But after you pick out whatever colors you want and line them up in the right order, just super glue them to the top. Then get a blow dryer, set it to it's highest setting, and blow on the crayons until they melt. Make sure you have something to lean it against while you're melting the crayons, and something to put underneath it.

I thought it was cool how you can actually change the direction of the colors by blowing at different angles. Next time I do this though, I think I'm going to use less colors... or not let them melt for as long... because it looks too dark.

But I'm still happy with it(:

Try it!

My Punishment for Being Sick

This is the punishment I get for being sick for an entire week. Make-up work.

Arrrg. I'm sick again today too. So I'll be listening to World Civ. lectures all day, doing missed math homework, and basically catching up on everything. Oh joy.

But at least, even though I feel awful, I have an entire day to do just make-up work, and not regular work too. Alright, enough complaining. I'd better stop blogging and keep working...

Tired of High School

I'm just tired. Tired of the social stuff. Tired of kids who disrespect teachers and take advantage of the fact that the teacher probably won't punish them. I mean come on, just because they're your teacher doesn't mean they don't have feelings too. I'm tired of hearing "who likes who" every other day and walking past all the couples in the hall. Tired of feeling like the only one whose interested in learning, and being stuck with kids who could care less.

I mean sure, as far as high schools go, mine's great. But today I'm just tired of going day after day and putting up with all of this. This isn't true of all the kids in my class, but there are plenty of them. This is just me complaining a little bit. It's me wishing that things were different.

I'm just going to admit it... I'm a nerd.

Well, I guess that depends on you're definition. I'm not "boringly studious" or "extremely lacking in social skills", I just have certain... nerdy qualities (;

But I've just found myself laughing about how people call just about anyone who is actually interested in an academic subject a "nerd". So, here's my top ten reasons for calling myself one. You decide. (:

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm A Nerd:

10. I actually enjoyed reading Shakespeare's King Henry V.

9. I keep the poetry books I've used in middle school simply because I enjoy reading the poems in them... for fun... (Robert Frost is my all time favorite poet.) 

8. I write, journal, and blog... for fun...

7. I read the Wall Street Journal on a regular basis. And I try, (to the best of my ability), to keep up with world news and US politics.

6. We're reading a book in my history class called The Balkan Ghosts. The majority of the kids in my class either despise reading it, can't understand it, or despise reading it so much they refuse to try to understand it. I'm enjoying reading it...

5. I'm part of a writing critique group near my home. The majority of the people there are at least 30 years older than me, but I still go because I love the critiques so much.

4. I am totally an English person, but I think Chemistry is extremely fascinating.

3. I have a book called "The Quotable Lewis." It is 651 pages long, and it contains C. S. Lewis' quotes in alphabetical order on different subjects.

2. In my mind, papers and test grades are my own personal competition. I challenge myself to get an A on everything, and since I don't always get A's, I am constantly pushing myself to ask more questions, study harder, and do better.

1. My goal by the time I graduate is to be in a place where I have the possible opportunity of being accepted into an Ivy League school. It's a huge goal, one that I may not be able to achieve, but it's what I'm aiming for by the end of my four high school years.


So those are the top ten reasons I call myself a "nerd". But that's only one side of me (; I'm in love with my Savior Jesus Christ, I am passionate about serving Him. I'm passionate about photography and music, specifically acoustic guitar. I'm extremely interested in Sign Language, (something I actually don't consider nerdy). I love shoes, make-up, and shopping. I love sports and could be good at a lot of them if I actually worked at it... I just have chosen not too... and to be lazy. So I'm no good at most sports(;

A lot of people would say I'm quiet when you first meet me, but I doubt many would say I'm not social. I love my friends, they're my extended family. And they love me even with the nerdy things I can sometimes say and do. haha (:

"I haven't talked to you, in... forever!"

That's how I feel about this blog. lol It's the home page on my computer, so it's the first thing I see every time I get on the internet. I've tried to write about 10 different times, but lost interest after the first few sentences.

So basically, since I last posted... we had homecoming at my school, I went with a friend of mine. I invited him to come as my date. I had a ton of fun(:

But then the week after I got sick. I've been sick for three days now. I feel awful. But it's probably good. These past couple of weeks have been exhausting! Like all the drama with my family lately, and all the stress of homecoming, I needed an excuse to sleep for three days straight haha

I Can Barely Breathe...

There's no other way to describe it. I came home today from school feeling like I couldn't breathe. Homecoming is in a couple of weeks, and all day I hear, "Oh I'm going with so and so" or "I'm gonna ask so and so to go with me." Most of Chemistry today consisted of a group of friends discussing where they would all go to eat before the dance. I don't hold anything against them, since they don't even know me, but it's hard to explain how lonely I felt for that hour. 

It's not even just that, I feel invisible at school. I came home and locked myself in my room. I cried and told God exactly how I felt.

"I'm sick and tired of being invisible. I hate who they think I am. I hate my timid, serious, almost anti-social label. They don't realize they've given me it, but they have. I see it and feel it in almost all of the conversations I have with my classmates. Especially with the guys. Why do I have to be invisible?"

What am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm living a game of hide and seek. I could cry. And I have many, many times.

I talked to my best friend not too long ago, and I felt much better. I'm not the only one who feels alone sometimes. 

God, I know this somehow works into the plan you have for my life, but why do I have to feel this way? Why do I have to feel insignificant, see through, and invisible? 

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1 Well, at least I know there's always Someone who notices me(: 

This Paper is Officially Scaring Me.

Bulfinch's Mythology

Look at this! Look at this!! Of course the section I'm using is at the very back, but still, it's scary looking. I'm working (or, was working on) an English paper that's due after our Christmas break. It's not a complicated paper, just takes a while to write.

I'll admit, I've been procrastinating, but at least I won't be doing it the night before. I had to watch Monty Python's Holy Grail for this assignment, lol, it was sooo dumb. But very funny!

I also had to watch Disney's the Sword in the Stone. Please forgive me if your a fan of it, but it was the most boring Disney movie I've ever watched. Ugh. Now I just have to read through the Bulfinch version of King Arthur and do some compare and contrasting. Alright, enough stalling, I've got to go work on it. Hope I survive.