Dealing With Frustration.

This frustration has nothing to do with the number of math problems I got wrong on my last assignment. It has nothing to do with my overall grades.

This frustration has everything to do with how I stupid I feel right now. I feel so utterly incompetent, idiotic, and useless. I’ve never felt stupid before in my life. I’ve always been one of the smartest and best students that everyone came to when they needed help. But some of my classes right now, I just don’t understand. Sure, once someone walks me through the steps and shows me exactly how to do it—yeah maybe I can get it then. The problem is that I’ve come to the realization that my brain cannot process certain things as well as everyone else. With my math and physics? There are processes and steps that come to the minds of the people around me so naturally that it’s revolting to me. I have to work my ass off to understand those same problems, (and that’s assuming that I even understand them at all.)

I hate that. I hate having to accept help from other people on a regular basis. I can’t gloat and consider myself to be intellectually superior. I hate not being able to do that. Yeah I know, that’s a horribly rude and arrogant way of thinking, but it’s the truth. It’s ugly, but it’s the truth. I’m so full of myself that the thought of “not being able to do it all” cuts straight through me. And man, it hurts like hell.

I may not understand all of these problems and concepts, but I’ve sure learned one thing—I am not a humble person. Rather, I’m extremely arrogant and conceited.

God’s not pleased with it, and I can sense him working to put a stop to it this year. He’s not taking his usual gentle, sweet approach to correcting me. He’s beating me over the head with this until I get it. With this particular issue, it’s a very effective method, and I can clearly see where he is in all of this frustration. But man does it make me mad.

If I’m completely honest, I don’t feel that stupid. I just keep realizing that I can’t do it all. I am not so intelligent as to be able to excel at anything and everything academic. It’s embarrassing, heartbreaking, and humbling.

I may not be a humble person, but this year, I’m starting to learn how to be.