But, Are You Impressed?

This question crosses my mind every time I'm given a challenge, a project, an assignment, and I do it well. It can be in school, at home, with family, or even with friends. Strangely enough, I even think this when people compliment me. I try to impress the people around me, as if that will somehow make them like me more.

I'm so disappointed in who I used to be before I entered high school, maybe thats why I try so desperately to be the best. All. The. Time. But guess what? It's exhausting, and I always end up feeling like a failure...

Yesterday I was at a girl's Bible study and we were discussing the Love Languages. My top two are, 'words of affirmation' and 'acts of service.' I almost broke down and cried while we were all talking, but I bit my lip and stopped myself, because that wouldn't be too 'impressive' now would it? 

I have some amazing people in my life, but is that really what I want from them? Someone to tell me I'm doing a good job? And someone to act on it and actually treat me like I matter to them and want to be apart of my life? Someone who won't point out all my errors first thing, but will point out that I've done something worthwhile. Specifically an older teen or an adult, someone who doesn't really need to be involved in my life, but still wants to?

I work so hard to impress people. To impress my parents, my friends, and even my teachers, because I figure that if I work hard enough, I'll somehow earn those few words of praise. Those few specific compliments. And maybe, just maybe, someone will be impressed enough to really want me around. But it doesn't work like that. In fact, I think I end up doing the exact opposite of what I intended to do. I come across timid, sarcastic, and serious. I can't tell you how many times I've been alone in my room and completely broken down because of it. I kill myself to get good grades, to live up to people's expectations, and to be a good person, only to have people see me the entirely wrong way. I always end up failing. 

And honestly, I don't know what to do about it.