Fearless

Fear. Fear of the unloveable side of ourselves. Why does it control us? It eats away at our hearts, all the while saying, "Don't let them see this." Because who knows? It could all fall apart in an instant. People could walk out on you, abandon you, laugh at you, or ruin that flawless reputation you've tried so hard to create.

They say face your fears. They say be strong. But you can't stand up to yourself. You can't simply look in the mirror, shake your head, and say, "I've had enough of this nonsense!" We long for the day when our "good self," or our "true self," will finally break free from that unloveable, messed up, sinful side of ourselves. It's never going to happen. It's a part of us that isn't going away in this lifetime. So at some point, we have to stop fearing it.

If we stop fearing it, then what? We surely don't accept it! Do we...? I think at some point, you do have to accept that unloveable side. You shouldn't encourage it, or focus on it, or continue to act on it, but you do have to accept that you will never be perfect. Or else you'll hate yourself. Because if you fear that side of you, or you are trying to rid yourself of it for good- you can walk around receiving correction, facing your fears, praising God all you want, but at the end of the day, you'll still perceive yourself as a failure. That truly "good" version of you is still trapped within the "bad" version of you.

Our "good" self, does not exist apart from our "bad" self. We're all a great big mess. I have accepted that mixed up mess that presents itself under my name. At the end of each day, I can feel satisfied with the good side of me that showed through, and not hate myself for the mistakes I made.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see a half finished construction project. I see an unloveable person, who is truly loved. I see a flawed face, that is thought of as beautiful. I see an imperfect girl, who is believed in. And when I realize that all I can do is my best to live for God, that I cannot separate once and for all the good and the bad, and that I am forgiven just as I am... I become the girl with many fears, who is fearless.