Have You Ever....

You know that game when people ask you, "Have you ever ______ ?" (You fill in the blank with something you've done/felt.) Well, I think it would come as quite a shock to people if I was to ask, "Have you ever felt so lonely you could hardly breathe?"

   I am new to a school that goes from preschool to 12th grade, so everybody knows everybody except for me and a couple new kids. I came from a school that goes through preschool to 12th grade also, so most of my friends are still in the same class. I went to school and for a week I went everyday feeling like I was going to vomit. I cried every morning, which messed up my make-up, which made me look awful, which made me feel even more miserable and unconfident... I came home halfway through the day several times that week because I literally felt ill. I would sit in my room and groan. I felt this stabbing, searing pain deep inside. When I was by myself at my house I would literally scream out, "Why?!?! God why would you let this happen to me?! If you really do exist why would you do this to me?! Why do you have to break my heart like this? I miss my friends, I miss the place where I felt at home! I hate this school! I hate it! I hate it!"

I practically gave up on God and Christianity. Because he never seemed to answer my desperate cries. 

"Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." I Kings 19:11-12

Then one night, as I was crying myself to sleep, he answered me. And just like in I Kings it was in a quiet, comforting whisper. He told me, "You are at this school this year for a reason. This year you will rediscover who you are. You will be yourself, but how I meant for you to be... a girl who loves beautifully."

And at that moment I felt so much love it is impossible to describe! I haven't felt anywhere near as lonely as I felt that first week. Not since that promise that the Lord gave me, and the happiness that I felt. Now I really do believe that God is real and that he loves me. I'm still struggling... but at least now I feel like I have a reason to.